I am really confused about my life right now. I don't know what to do. I always strive to keep busy busy busy busy because if I sit down for five minutes without anything to do I get really confused. Why can't I handle having nothing to do?

I don't know what I want, and because of that, I don't know what to look for. I don't know how to proceed. I kind of want to stay with Andrew. I still have a couple months to figure that out though. But I don't know what he thinks of me. I don't know if he's even considering that as an option. I would kind of like to know, but I don't want to ask, I don't want to push him. And honestly, do I really want to be with him, or do I just think I do, because I always think I do, no matter who I'm with? That's what it was with Cesar pretty much. I should have known better. I wish I had known better...then I wouldn't have hurt him, and I wouldn't have wasted so much money. But I always think the one I'm with is The One. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.

But do I really want to be with Andrew? I don't know. I THINK so, at least right now. But if we don't want the same things then..but I don't KNOW what I want, which means I can be flexible. But I don't even know if he wants me to come with him after this or not. I have no idea. I wish I knew what he thought.

What am I doing with myself? Everything I've done up to this point in my adult life has been about me, me, me. Experiencing different things for my benefit, for my growth. I haven't helped anyone with anything. Though, honestly, I probably have but I just don't realize it. But I just feel like I've been being selfish, like I should start giving back. But does settling down mean that? Or does it have nothing to do with that?

What about my future? How much do I really have to worry about planning ahead at this point? I don't know..I have no idea. I don't know about these things, about money and things like that. Do I have to worry about saving yet? I already have some savings, more than a lot of people my age I bet. Does that mean I don't have to worry about it? Or should that be my focus, planning for the future? I don't know...

And then there's my dad. My fucking dad. Messing with my head. Whenever I stop to think about it, which I try not to do, it makes me extraordinarily sad. Soooo sad. He confuses me so much. Does he honestly not care if I talk to him or not? That's what his behavior says to me basically. I told him to stop pushing me or else I would have to stop talking to him, and he kept pushing me, so I stopped talking to him. That was his choice. Why wasn't he at all upset at the prospect of never talking to me again? Am I really never going to talk to him again? Is he really as crazy as I think? I think he is, unfortunately.

He is so illogical. They live on their own planet, they really, honestly do. How am I supposed to react to him when he is so illogical? When he is so selfish? I want to talk to him. This has nothing to do with pride, or saving face, or anything like that. It has to do with the fact that every time I talk to him, he hurts me. And why would I want to open myself up to get hurt, even more? He has hurt me SO much over the years..more than anyone else. Possibly more than the Mormon, but in a different way. He has fucked me up. Parents always fuck their kids up I guess, but my dad has fucked me UP. I don't think I even realize in what way.

Am I really fucked up? Am I fucked up more than other people? Well, I don't really think so..I hope not anyway. I mean in general I'm a happy and positive person, though I do tend to stress out about things. And this Andrew thing..this is dangerous territory. It hits close to home, this situation. I do NOT want a repeat of the Mormon. I CANNOT handle that. I don't think that will happen though; I don't think I would let it happen. I can't get that close anymore. Besides, he's not getting that close to me, so if he won't let me in, I won't go in. And neither will he go into me.

This is what I keep telling myself. But I like him. He's totally up my alley. We're two peas in a pod. In a lot of ways, but in other ways, we're quite different I think. But he's male, and I'm female, that's to be expected. But I think we compliment each other.

But with the Mormon it was..I've never felt that way about anyone, ever before or since. But feeling that way ended up getting me really, really hurt. Therefore, I don't know if I ever WANT to feel that way, ever again. It might be that I'm not allowing myself to. It might be that it's a good thing that I'm not allowing myself to. But maybe it's not though. Is that love, what I felt? Well, I know it is. But I should say, is that the only way love can be? Can I have a safer love? I want to fall in love more safely. I want to fall in love in a way where I keep myself separate and can at all times survive without the other person. I NEVER want to be dependent on anyone, ever. EVER. Because you can't trust anybody.

But is that okay? Can I fall in love that way, or is there only the other way to love? Or is that the only type of love that will last? This is one appealing thing about Andrew. He is also very independent. I think we could have an independent relationship. If we even HAVE a relationship..I don't know what we're doing. I'll probably wait a few more weeks and broach the topic again. It is something we do need to talk about periodically.

I wish I knew what he thought of me. If I knew that I wasn't important to him, that it was only a temporary, fun thing for him in his mind, I would be able to accept that and just have fun with him. But I don't quite know if that's true. Probably because he doesn't know for sure either. Like I said already, I'm not sure about him. I mean I like him, but, well who knows. We haven't been together for very long really. All my relationships are so short.

Life here is good, pretty good, but...I don't know. I don't know what my problem is. I'm happy, I'm usually happy, but..I'm looking for something. And I don't know what exactly.

I started taking the pill again, and shortly there after Andrew and I started having sex. A lot. Like, practically ever day. And it's super-hot. And he's really into like, trying new things. This weekend I think he's going to try to pick up a book on sexual positions and stuff. Heheh. The whole roommate situation though, let me tell you, it puts a damper on things.

And..I still don't know where it's going after the summer. We sure do get along, but I just don't know. I don't knoooow...I don't know anything. I am very, very confused about my life. Possibily the most confused I have ever been. I don't know if I want to settle down, and if I do, I don't know where for sure. I don't know if I want to travel somewhere, and if I do, I don't know where. I don't know if I want to try to find another job something like this one in a different place, and if I do, I don't know where. And I don't know if I'll be doing it alone, or with this boy.

I would imagine I'd be doing it alone, but you never know. I do not want a repeat of the Mormon incident. I don't think I would let that happen though. I am too jaded heh. But he's so cuuuute...And he's so nice and sweet and innocent. He actually says things like "golly." He even said it during sex. Just my type.