God, what the hell is wrong with me. I'm all up and down, up and down. One minute happy, one minute freaking out, one minute terribly sad....I guess maybe this is normal in a state of transition, right?

I just wish I had somebody to talk to about it. I sort of do, but not really. Andrew kind of listens, but he doesn't understand what I'm saying, and he's so selfish. I am so good to him. I am soooo nice to him and helpful and thoughtful to him, and he doesn't even notice.

And now my roommate has come back, and I'm sorry, I don't care if it's my fault and it's all coming from me, I cannot relax when she's here. I just want my own fucking space. I guess when I first get to San Francisco I'm not going to have my own space, but at least I'll be with Carolyn, who is my friend. Though she is kind of weird..I hope she doesn't drive me up the wall. But she probably won't.

I just get so upset, my heart hurts. I feel like I wasted my entire weekend, but I guess I got some stuff done that I had to do. Why do I always get so down on myself? Why do I have this sense of obligation, like I have to be doing exciting things all the time? To whom do I have this obligation? Myself? But I'm the one who chooses NOT to do anything exciting and instead spend my time trying to get my life in order by doing emails and stuff, and spending time with Andrew, which I still haven't quite figured out if that's a waste of time or no.

God, he makes me feel like shit. But he doesn't even really do anything wrong. He's just a clueless insensitive boy that's all. Maybe he really does care about me, I don't know. He just can't fucking tell me. He doesn't tell me a goddamn thing. It's probably better that I'm leaving then because I have never had a guy who is so bad at communication in my life. And after a while that would get really old. It's already starting to get old.

Why does my dad have to be such a selfish dickhead? How did this all start? It all started with me trying to make thing better! And then he just says some uncalled for asshole stuff and, here we are. Not talking. Is it really going to be like that forever?? I don't want it to be. I just emailed him something nice to see if he'll write me back, and okay he wrote me back but it was like two lines not saying anything. So what does that mean? Does he not want to start up communation again? Does he think I'm the bad guy here? Why do I even fucking care? Because he's my dad, that's why. He kind of sucks, but he's the only dad I'll ever have. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't talk to her parents, but it looks like I might be. I fucking hate that. I wonder if he has any idea how much he has hurt me over the years, probably more than any other single person, even the Mormon. Because the Mormon doesn't matter, but my dad does. He's the first person who ever held me, for Christ's sake. Does that not matter to him anymore? Have he and Ceri become so joined into one flesh that nothing else truely matters to them except each other? I think when one of them dies the other one will either also die naturally or commit suicide, I really do. Because they have nothing in their lives except each other. I kind of think they're a little crazy.

But what can I do about that? Nothing. I can't help it if they're crazy. It's not my fault, but it affects me. Why do I let myself care so much? It's one of my greatests faults. I care about everything.

I have like three more weeks left here and I want to get the fuck out. The next two probably won't be so bad, as long as Andrew and I can continue to get along. He's a selfish jerk too sometimes. Like today, when for the second day in a row he totally falls asleep on me, and then, when HE'S ready to get up, he just up and fucking leaves without saying a word, as if I don't matter at all. He's just young and immature and selfish. He will probably regret letting me go. I am a really cool girl and I have a LOT of patience with him.

But if I'm so cool, why can't I find a real fucking boyfriend? Because I keep moving, that's why. Which is exactly why I have to stop. And if I could just get the job thing worked out, I would feel SO much better. But I guess I will, hopefully not after TOO long of waiting.

Now I want to talk to Andrew, except he's working, and after that he'll probably go see his parents, and he probably won't invite me, because he hates confrontation. Throughout this whole relationship he's really made me feel more bad than good. I don't think he even knows that, or would know why. Why is it exactly? Because he acts like I don't matter at all, I guess. Because I do all these things for him, half of which he probably doesn't even notice, and never thanks me. Never acts like he cares. Never gives me anything, and shows me very, very little of his heart. It is better that we have to break up, it really is. I think he's friend-worthy, but he is not boyfriend worthy. I deserve somebody way better. Now I just have to find him. AFTER I find a job....

It has been a very long time since I've written. That's for a variety of reasons, but a significant one of those reasons is that up until recently I hadn't figured out what I was doing with myself yet, so I didn't know what to say.

But now, I think I have figured that out. At least for now. For half an hour at least.

It has been an interesting summer. Full of many ups and downs. It started out with being semi-engaged with a nice boy from Peru, and it has ended up with me setting off on my own again as a swinging-single. Well not yet. I'm still in Grand Teton, and I still have a boyfriend. But that's all going to change here very shortly.

Chloe has had enough of the expiration dating! Nevermore!! Never again!!! It hurts me every time. I have to break this pattern..I move somewhere, I meet some fabulous guy, and just when things are taking off, I leave. I've done this over and over and over again, and every time it takes away a piece of me. That's one less piece I'll never have to give anybody else, and I'm tired of it.

The most recent one is, of course, Andrew, the boy I started making out with right after breaking up with Cesar. He's pretty darn cool. I thought for a while we would be able to stay together. He's planning on staying in Jackson for the winter and skiing away the winter, and I applied to this HR job up here at the lodge. But I didn't get the HR job. They gave it to this obese catty girl who is best friends with the other girl who works in HR. What-ever. Stupid bitch.

This would all be easier if I believed in fate, or God. I could say, well, it wasn't meant to be. But I believe things just happen randomly by chance, and you're either lucky or you're not. And with this one at least, I've been unlucky.

Course I could still stay in Jackson anyway, but I don't have any real reason to, besides the boy. I would probably hate it here in the winter..they have week streaches of -40 degree weather. So I suppose it is my choice that we're breaking up. So I should be content with the bed I make. I am, of course, going to be sad, but it's not going to be anything like a repeat of the Mormon situation. I don't think it would be possible for me to be so upset about a boy ever again. Least I hope not. And besides Andrew probably WILL continue to email and call me, so hopefully we'll remain friends.

Besides, even if we're never together again, Andrew has served a very important function in my life, which is to help extricate me from an impossilble relationship. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't wanted to get in his pants? So thank you, Andrew, for that. And it's better for Cesar this way too. He's doing well, actually. He was pretty upset when I broken his wee little Latin heart. I felt pretty horrible about it, but what could I do? At least I've continued to stay in contact with him. But anyway after threatening to drop everything and move away to the mountains by himself, he managed to get a job with the cruise lines, which is what he has wanted to do for years. So now he's doing that and actually making some decent money for once. So it's good that I broke up with him when I did, or else he might not have had time to go to the job interview and all that stuff. So thank you, Andrew, again.

So, you are asking yourselves, what has Chloe decided to do next? Where will she and her girl power touch down? Well let me tell you.

I'm moving to San Francisco, woo hoo! The timing on this actually works out well, and if I believed in God, I would say that fate seems to be leading me in this direction. But I don't, so I will say that chosmic chaos is leading me in this direction.

So for a while I was thinking I would move to L.A. because my fabulous cousin Sarah lives there, and she is looking for a new roommate, but honestly I was never totally keen on this idea. And when she told me I would have to start wearing high heels if I moved down there, I balked at the idea.

Now it just so happens that my fabulous friend Carolyn, who already lives in San Francisco, is looking for a new roommate at exactly the same time that I want to be moving to San Francisco. Her current apartment is kind of a crap hole and she wants to move anyway, but the rent is month to month, so we'll probably live in the tiny crap hole for a month or two or however long it takes me to get a job and what have you (Hopefully not too long gaaagh!) and then move to a better place.

I can totally see myself living in San Francisco. Although it rains a lot I hear, it can't be anything like Seattle. Nothing can be as bad as that. Besides, it's San Francisco, and San Francisco is really cool. I think my coolness points increase just by having a phone with a San Francisco area code. Oh that's another thing -- after three years I'm finally going to get a *cell phone.* Oooho..I can just picture it now..Chloe sitting in some trendy little coffee shop, sipping a black coffee, having just come from the gym and still wearing her yoga pants, surfing the 'net on her new *macbook* (which I'm typing from right now!!) and my *cell phone* rings. Oooh..I'm going to be a grown-up at last...I'll have to get a really cool ringtone.

But I'm probably focusing on the details too much. First things first, I need to get a fucking job. This is the major stressor in my life at the moment. And boy is it a doosy. I wish I could smoke some pot...relax a bit. But what if my new job requires a drug test?? No no, Chloe must hold out a little longer.

Anyway for most of you on this list this move comes as a surprise. And some of you I know are in California, so we can hang out again! Whee! Aren't you excited?? I am. Except for the losing-the-boy thing. Again. And the whole not-having-a-job-lined-up thing. Fuck. Speaking of fuck, I've probably, no definitely, had more sex in my 26th year than all other years combined. It has been a good sex year for Chloe. As my birthday is coming up, I do hope to continue that trend on into my 27th year. Well, really what I hope for is to find a boyfriend whom I DON'T have to leave. And who hopefully I have good sex with. But first things first, the job.

All in all it's been a fun and interesting summer. Largely due to Andrew..a lot of the fun things I've done I've done with him. But also actually, I've sort of managed to become more independent this summer, in a way. I've gone hiking by myself a number of times, sometimes over 20 miles. I managed to make a fantastic trip to Glacier and see some of the most beautiful places of my life. I've gone camping a whole bunch of times. I'm in probably the best physical shape of my life, and probably the most confident I've ever been. So I shouldn't be so freaked out about the future. It'll probably all work out. I hope.