God, what the hell is wrong with me. I'm all up and down, up and down. One minute happy, one minute freaking out, one minute terribly sad....I guess maybe this is normal in a state of transition, right?

I just wish I had somebody to talk to about it. I sort of do, but not really. Andrew kind of listens, but he doesn't understand what I'm saying, and he's so selfish. I am so good to him. I am soooo nice to him and helpful and thoughtful to him, and he doesn't even notice.

And now my roommate has come back, and I'm sorry, I don't care if it's my fault and it's all coming from me, I cannot relax when she's here. I just want my own fucking space. I guess when I first get to San Francisco I'm not going to have my own space, but at least I'll be with Carolyn, who is my friend. Though she is kind of weird..I hope she doesn't drive me up the wall. But she probably won't.

I just get so upset, my heart hurts. I feel like I wasted my entire weekend, but I guess I got some stuff done that I had to do. Why do I always get so down on myself? Why do I have this sense of obligation, like I have to be doing exciting things all the time? To whom do I have this obligation? Myself? But I'm the one who chooses NOT to do anything exciting and instead spend my time trying to get my life in order by doing emails and stuff, and spending time with Andrew, which I still haven't quite figured out if that's a waste of time or no.

God, he makes me feel like shit. But he doesn't even really do anything wrong. He's just a clueless insensitive boy that's all. Maybe he really does care about me, I don't know. He just can't fucking tell me. He doesn't tell me a goddamn thing. It's probably better that I'm leaving then because I have never had a guy who is so bad at communication in my life. And after a while that would get really old. It's already starting to get old.

Why does my dad have to be such a selfish dickhead? How did this all start? It all started with me trying to make thing better! And then he just says some uncalled for asshole stuff and, here we are. Not talking. Is it really going to be like that forever?? I don't want it to be. I just emailed him something nice to see if he'll write me back, and okay he wrote me back but it was like two lines not saying anything. So what does that mean? Does he not want to start up communation again? Does he think I'm the bad guy here? Why do I even fucking care? Because he's my dad, that's why. He kind of sucks, but he's the only dad I'll ever have. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't talk to her parents, but it looks like I might be. I fucking hate that. I wonder if he has any idea how much he has hurt me over the years, probably more than any other single person, even the Mormon. Because the Mormon doesn't matter, but my dad does. He's the first person who ever held me, for Christ's sake. Does that not matter to him anymore? Have he and Ceri become so joined into one flesh that nothing else truely matters to them except each other? I think when one of them dies the other one will either also die naturally or commit suicide, I really do. Because they have nothing in their lives except each other. I kind of think they're a little crazy.

But what can I do about that? Nothing. I can't help it if they're crazy. It's not my fault, but it affects me. Why do I let myself care so much? It's one of my greatests faults. I care about everything.

I have like three more weeks left here and I want to get the fuck out. The next two probably won't be so bad, as long as Andrew and I can continue to get along. He's a selfish jerk too sometimes. Like today, when for the second day in a row he totally falls asleep on me, and then, when HE'S ready to get up, he just up and fucking leaves without saying a word, as if I don't matter at all. He's just young and immature and selfish. He will probably regret letting me go. I am a really cool girl and I have a LOT of patience with him.

But if I'm so cool, why can't I find a real fucking boyfriend? Because I keep moving, that's why. Which is exactly why I have to stop. And if I could just get the job thing worked out, I would feel SO much better. But I guess I will, hopefully not after TOO long of waiting.

Now I want to talk to Andrew, except he's working, and after that he'll probably go see his parents, and he probably won't invite me, because he hates confrontation. Throughout this whole relationship he's really made me feel more bad than good. I don't think he even knows that, or would know why. Why is it exactly? Because he acts like I don't matter at all, I guess. Because I do all these things for him, half of which he probably doesn't even notice, and never thanks me. Never acts like he cares. Never gives me anything, and shows me very, very little of his heart. It is better that we have to break up, it really is. I think he's friend-worthy, but he is not boyfriend worthy. I deserve somebody way better. Now I just have to find him. AFTER I find a job....