God, what the hell is wrong with me. I'm all up and down, up and down. One minute happy, one minute freaking out, one minute terribly sad....I guess maybe this is normal in a state of transition, right?

I just wish I had somebody to talk to about it. I sort of do, but not really. Andrew kind of listens, but he doesn't understand what I'm saying, and he's so selfish. I am so good to him. I am soooo nice to him and helpful and thoughtful to him, and he doesn't even notice.

And now my roommate has come back, and I'm sorry, I don't care if it's my fault and it's all coming from me, I cannot relax when she's here. I just want my own fucking space. I guess when I first get to San Francisco I'm not going to have my own space, but at least I'll be with Carolyn, who is my friend. Though she is kind of weird..I hope she doesn't drive me up the wall. But she probably won't.

I just get so upset, my heart hurts. I feel like I wasted my entire weekend, but I guess I got some stuff done that I had to do. Why do I always get so down on myself? Why do I have this sense of obligation, like I have to be doing exciting things all the time? To whom do I have this obligation? Myself? But I'm the one who chooses NOT to do anything exciting and instead spend my time trying to get my life in order by doing emails and stuff, and spending time with Andrew, which I still haven't quite figured out if that's a waste of time or no.

God, he makes me feel like shit. But he doesn't even really do anything wrong. He's just a clueless insensitive boy that's all. Maybe he really does care about me, I don't know. He just can't fucking tell me. He doesn't tell me a goddamn thing. It's probably better that I'm leaving then because I have never had a guy who is so bad at communication in my life. And after a while that would get really old. It's already starting to get old.

Why does my dad have to be such a selfish dickhead? How did this all start? It all started with me trying to make thing better! And then he just says some uncalled for asshole stuff and, here we are. Not talking. Is it really going to be like that forever?? I don't want it to be. I just emailed him something nice to see if he'll write me back, and okay he wrote me back but it was like two lines not saying anything. So what does that mean? Does he not want to start up communation again? Does he think I'm the bad guy here? Why do I even fucking care? Because he's my dad, that's why. He kind of sucks, but he's the only dad I'll ever have. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't talk to her parents, but it looks like I might be. I fucking hate that. I wonder if he has any idea how much he has hurt me over the years, probably more than any other single person, even the Mormon. Because the Mormon doesn't matter, but my dad does. He's the first person who ever held me, for Christ's sake. Does that not matter to him anymore? Have he and Ceri become so joined into one flesh that nothing else truely matters to them except each other? I think when one of them dies the other one will either also die naturally or commit suicide, I really do. Because they have nothing in their lives except each other. I kind of think they're a little crazy.

But what can I do about that? Nothing. I can't help it if they're crazy. It's not my fault, but it affects me. Why do I let myself care so much? It's one of my greatests faults. I care about everything.

I have like three more weeks left here and I want to get the fuck out. The next two probably won't be so bad, as long as Andrew and I can continue to get along. He's a selfish jerk too sometimes. Like today, when for the second day in a row he totally falls asleep on me, and then, when HE'S ready to get up, he just up and fucking leaves without saying a word, as if I don't matter at all. He's just young and immature and selfish. He will probably regret letting me go. I am a really cool girl and I have a LOT of patience with him.

But if I'm so cool, why can't I find a real fucking boyfriend? Because I keep moving, that's why. Which is exactly why I have to stop. And if I could just get the job thing worked out, I would feel SO much better. But I guess I will, hopefully not after TOO long of waiting.

Now I want to talk to Andrew, except he's working, and after that he'll probably go see his parents, and he probably won't invite me, because he hates confrontation. Throughout this whole relationship he's really made me feel more bad than good. I don't think he even knows that, or would know why. Why is it exactly? Because he acts like I don't matter at all, I guess. Because I do all these things for him, half of which he probably doesn't even notice, and never thanks me. Never acts like he cares. Never gives me anything, and shows me very, very little of his heart. It is better that we have to break up, it really is. I think he's friend-worthy, but he is not boyfriend worthy. I deserve somebody way better. Now I just have to find him. AFTER I find a job....

It has been a very long time since I've written. That's for a variety of reasons, but a significant one of those reasons is that up until recently I hadn't figured out what I was doing with myself yet, so I didn't know what to say.

But now, I think I have figured that out. At least for now. For half an hour at least.

It has been an interesting summer. Full of many ups and downs. It started out with being semi-engaged with a nice boy from Peru, and it has ended up with me setting off on my own again as a swinging-single. Well not yet. I'm still in Grand Teton, and I still have a boyfriend. But that's all going to change here very shortly.

Chloe has had enough of the expiration dating! Nevermore!! Never again!!! It hurts me every time. I have to break this pattern..I move somewhere, I meet some fabulous guy, and just when things are taking off, I leave. I've done this over and over and over again, and every time it takes away a piece of me. That's one less piece I'll never have to give anybody else, and I'm tired of it.

The most recent one is, of course, Andrew, the boy I started making out with right after breaking up with Cesar. He's pretty darn cool. I thought for a while we would be able to stay together. He's planning on staying in Jackson for the winter and skiing away the winter, and I applied to this HR job up here at the lodge. But I didn't get the HR job. They gave it to this obese catty girl who is best friends with the other girl who works in HR. What-ever. Stupid bitch.

This would all be easier if I believed in fate, or God. I could say, well, it wasn't meant to be. But I believe things just happen randomly by chance, and you're either lucky or you're not. And with this one at least, I've been unlucky.

Course I could still stay in Jackson anyway, but I don't have any real reason to, besides the boy. I would probably hate it here in the winter..they have week streaches of -40 degree weather. So I suppose it is my choice that we're breaking up. So I should be content with the bed I make. I am, of course, going to be sad, but it's not going to be anything like a repeat of the Mormon situation. I don't think it would be possible for me to be so upset about a boy ever again. Least I hope not. And besides Andrew probably WILL continue to email and call me, so hopefully we'll remain friends.

Besides, even if we're never together again, Andrew has served a very important function in my life, which is to help extricate me from an impossilble relationship. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't wanted to get in his pants? So thank you, Andrew, for that. And it's better for Cesar this way too. He's doing well, actually. He was pretty upset when I broken his wee little Latin heart. I felt pretty horrible about it, but what could I do? At least I've continued to stay in contact with him. But anyway after threatening to drop everything and move away to the mountains by himself, he managed to get a job with the cruise lines, which is what he has wanted to do for years. So now he's doing that and actually making some decent money for once. So it's good that I broke up with him when I did, or else he might not have had time to go to the job interview and all that stuff. So thank you, Andrew, again.

So, you are asking yourselves, what has Chloe decided to do next? Where will she and her girl power touch down? Well let me tell you.

I'm moving to San Francisco, woo hoo! The timing on this actually works out well, and if I believed in God, I would say that fate seems to be leading me in this direction. But I don't, so I will say that chosmic chaos is leading me in this direction.

So for a while I was thinking I would move to L.A. because my fabulous cousin Sarah lives there, and she is looking for a new roommate, but honestly I was never totally keen on this idea. And when she told me I would have to start wearing high heels if I moved down there, I balked at the idea.

Now it just so happens that my fabulous friend Carolyn, who already lives in San Francisco, is looking for a new roommate at exactly the same time that I want to be moving to San Francisco. Her current apartment is kind of a crap hole and she wants to move anyway, but the rent is month to month, so we'll probably live in the tiny crap hole for a month or two or however long it takes me to get a job and what have you (Hopefully not too long gaaagh!) and then move to a better place.

I can totally see myself living in San Francisco. Although it rains a lot I hear, it can't be anything like Seattle. Nothing can be as bad as that. Besides, it's San Francisco, and San Francisco is really cool. I think my coolness points increase just by having a phone with a San Francisco area code. Oh that's another thing -- after three years I'm finally going to get a *cell phone.* Oooho..I can just picture it now..Chloe sitting in some trendy little coffee shop, sipping a black coffee, having just come from the gym and still wearing her yoga pants, surfing the 'net on her new *macbook* (which I'm typing from right now!!) and my *cell phone* rings. Oooh..I'm going to be a grown-up at last...I'll have to get a really cool ringtone.

But I'm probably focusing on the details too much. First things first, I need to get a fucking job. This is the major stressor in my life at the moment. And boy is it a doosy. I wish I could smoke some pot...relax a bit. But what if my new job requires a drug test?? No no, Chloe must hold out a little longer.

Anyway for most of you on this list this move comes as a surprise. And some of you I know are in California, so we can hang out again! Whee! Aren't you excited?? I am. Except for the losing-the-boy thing. Again. And the whole not-having-a-job-lined-up thing. Fuck. Speaking of fuck, I've probably, no definitely, had more sex in my 26th year than all other years combined. It has been a good sex year for Chloe. As my birthday is coming up, I do hope to continue that trend on into my 27th year. Well, really what I hope for is to find a boyfriend whom I DON'T have to leave. And who hopefully I have good sex with. But first things first, the job.

All in all it's been a fun and interesting summer. Largely due to Andrew..a lot of the fun things I've done I've done with him. But also actually, I've sort of managed to become more independent this summer, in a way. I've gone hiking by myself a number of times, sometimes over 20 miles. I managed to make a fantastic trip to Glacier and see some of the most beautiful places of my life. I've gone camping a whole bunch of times. I'm in probably the best physical shape of my life, and probably the most confident I've ever been. So I shouldn't be so freaked out about the future. It'll probably all work out. I hope.

I am really confused about my life right now. I don't know what to do. I always strive to keep busy busy busy busy because if I sit down for five minutes without anything to do I get really confused. Why can't I handle having nothing to do?

I don't know what I want, and because of that, I don't know what to look for. I don't know how to proceed. I kind of want to stay with Andrew. I still have a couple months to figure that out though. But I don't know what he thinks of me. I don't know if he's even considering that as an option. I would kind of like to know, but I don't want to ask, I don't want to push him. And honestly, do I really want to be with him, or do I just think I do, because I always think I do, no matter who I'm with? That's what it was with Cesar pretty much. I should have known better. I wish I had known better...then I wouldn't have hurt him, and I wouldn't have wasted so much money. But I always think the one I'm with is The One. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.

But do I really want to be with Andrew? I don't know. I THINK so, at least right now. But if we don't want the same things then..but I don't KNOW what I want, which means I can be flexible. But I don't even know if he wants me to come with him after this or not. I have no idea. I wish I knew what he thought.

What am I doing with myself? Everything I've done up to this point in my adult life has been about me, me, me. Experiencing different things for my benefit, for my growth. I haven't helped anyone with anything. Though, honestly, I probably have but I just don't realize it. But I just feel like I've been being selfish, like I should start giving back. But does settling down mean that? Or does it have nothing to do with that?

What about my future? How much do I really have to worry about planning ahead at this point? I don't know..I have no idea. I don't know about these things, about money and things like that. Do I have to worry about saving yet? I already have some savings, more than a lot of people my age I bet. Does that mean I don't have to worry about it? Or should that be my focus, planning for the future? I don't know...

And then there's my dad. My fucking dad. Messing with my head. Whenever I stop to think about it, which I try not to do, it makes me extraordinarily sad. Soooo sad. He confuses me so much. Does he honestly not care if I talk to him or not? That's what his behavior says to me basically. I told him to stop pushing me or else I would have to stop talking to him, and he kept pushing me, so I stopped talking to him. That was his choice. Why wasn't he at all upset at the prospect of never talking to me again? Am I really never going to talk to him again? Is he really as crazy as I think? I think he is, unfortunately.

He is so illogical. They live on their own planet, they really, honestly do. How am I supposed to react to him when he is so illogical? When he is so selfish? I want to talk to him. This has nothing to do with pride, or saving face, or anything like that. It has to do with the fact that every time I talk to him, he hurts me. And why would I want to open myself up to get hurt, even more? He has hurt me SO much over the years..more than anyone else. Possibly more than the Mormon, but in a different way. He has fucked me up. Parents always fuck their kids up I guess, but my dad has fucked me UP. I don't think I even realize in what way.

Am I really fucked up? Am I fucked up more than other people? Well, I don't really think so..I hope not anyway. I mean in general I'm a happy and positive person, though I do tend to stress out about things. And this Andrew thing..this is dangerous territory. It hits close to home, this situation. I do NOT want a repeat of the Mormon. I CANNOT handle that. I don't think that will happen though; I don't think I would let it happen. I can't get that close anymore. Besides, he's not getting that close to me, so if he won't let me in, I won't go in. And neither will he go into me.

This is what I keep telling myself. But I like him. He's totally up my alley. We're two peas in a pod. In a lot of ways, but in other ways, we're quite different I think. But he's male, and I'm female, that's to be expected. But I think we compliment each other.

But with the Mormon it was..I've never felt that way about anyone, ever before or since. But feeling that way ended up getting me really, really hurt. Therefore, I don't know if I ever WANT to feel that way, ever again. It might be that I'm not allowing myself to. It might be that it's a good thing that I'm not allowing myself to. But maybe it's not though. Is that love, what I felt? Well, I know it is. But I should say, is that the only way love can be? Can I have a safer love? I want to fall in love more safely. I want to fall in love in a way where I keep myself separate and can at all times survive without the other person. I NEVER want to be dependent on anyone, ever. EVER. Because you can't trust anybody.

But is that okay? Can I fall in love that way, or is there only the other way to love? Or is that the only type of love that will last? This is one appealing thing about Andrew. He is also very independent. I think we could have an independent relationship. If we even HAVE a relationship..I don't know what we're doing. I'll probably wait a few more weeks and broach the topic again. It is something we do need to talk about periodically.

I wish I knew what he thought of me. If I knew that I wasn't important to him, that it was only a temporary, fun thing for him in his mind, I would be able to accept that and just have fun with him. But I don't quite know if that's true. Probably because he doesn't know for sure either. Like I said already, I'm not sure about him. I mean I like him, but, well who knows. We haven't been together for very long really. All my relationships are so short.

Life here is good, pretty good, but...I don't know. I don't know what my problem is. I'm happy, I'm usually happy, but..I'm looking for something. And I don't know what exactly.

I started taking the pill again, and shortly there after Andrew and I started having sex. A lot. Like, practically ever day. And it's super-hot. And he's really into like, trying new things. This weekend I think he's going to try to pick up a book on sexual positions and stuff. Heheh. The whole roommate situation though, let me tell you, it puts a damper on things.

And..I still don't know where it's going after the summer. We sure do get along, but I just don't know. I don't knoooow...I don't know anything. I am very, very confused about my life. Possibily the most confused I have ever been. I don't know if I want to settle down, and if I do, I don't know where for sure. I don't know if I want to travel somewhere, and if I do, I don't know where. I don't know if I want to try to find another job something like this one in a different place, and if I do, I don't know where. And I don't know if I'll be doing it alone, or with this boy.

I would imagine I'd be doing it alone, but you never know. I do not want a repeat of the Mormon incident. I don't think I would let that happen though. I am too jaded heh. But he's so cuuuute...And he's so nice and sweet and innocent. He actually says things like "golly." He even said it during sex. Just my type.

Hiiiii.

It has been a very long time since I've written. During this time, I have done many things. Some of them fun, some of them not so fun...let me sum up.

First of all, this place is beautiful. And I'm so close to everything, it's really easy to go hiking, camping, whatever I want to do, without having to plan ahead too much. I've explored the park a fair amount, but of course there are many more rocks yet to uncover. I have a bit of a conundrum to deal with though because I often like to go hiking by myself, but last time I did that I was heading up Signal Mountain getting some exercise after work, all alone, and I could have SWORN I heard a grizzly bear roaring at me. I freaked the fuck out of myself and went running down the trail in the opposite direction. What I envisioned as a casual 4-5 mile hike after work turned out to be like 8 miles because I went all the way up and around to avoid the rabid grizzly bear out for human flesh. Ever since then, I've been nervous to go by myself, andI haven't quite thought of a solution yet to this problem...

Course I could get bear spray but A) it costs like 50 bucks and B) I would probably end up accidentally spraying myself in the face with it, instead of the bear.

I have done many fun things since being here. I've gone hiking, boating on the lake, white whater rafting, etc. I've gone camping a few times -- I finally got my own tent, woo! For me buying my own tent would be like for a normal person buying their own house. It's a pretty big deal. It's nice and summery here now, and I've been able to work on my tan, though it's nothing to the level it once was in South America. But I have time...

Although there are plenty of people here who spend most of their free time getting as drunk as possible, I have avoided falling into this trap. It's just not my thing. It's boring to me, to do it all the time. Though I have gotten drunk a few times, of course, I have yet to embarrass myself too badly, which is a good thing. I wish I could smoke pot, but alas, they do random drug tests here. Damn the man!

The job itself is fine. I mostly like the people I work with, though there is of course some stupid bullshit, as there is in any job. I am also beginning to realize that I am way to smart for this line of work. I want to get out. I feel like I'm wasting my talents because, well, I AM wasting my talents..but after the summer, that will all change.

I think part of the reason I haven't written in a while is because, well, I am a little bit ashamed of myself. I did a bad thing. A bad, but necessary thing. Well, a confusing thing, well..let me just explain.

I broke up with el Cesar. :-( I had to do it...I only did it about a week ago, but it had been brewing for a while. I have mixed feelings..I know it was the right thing to do. I can tell because after doing it, I am way more relaxed, happier, not so worried and stressed all the time..and I can tell because although I miss him, I'm not like, destroyed about it, and if I was really meant to be with this guy, I should be pretty upset. And I'm not.
But I feel bad...Cesar is a really good person, and he loves me a LOT. More than any other guy in my LIFE. No bullshit, no bullshit at ALL with him, at least in the relationship part. But I just couldn't handle the stress of the long distance thing anymore, and the visa thing, and the no money thing, and the doing all the work myself thing..augh. I just couldn't do it anymore, so I stopped. But I hurt him a lot, and I feel like crap about that. And I'm a little ashamed at myself. Why didn't I just break it off before? It would have been so much easier. But I really wanted it to work, and I honestly thought it would work..I wasn't leading him on or lying to him or fooling him, I wanted to do this. I still almost think I could do this but..I just know it's not the right thing.

Anyway though, I look back on when guys have hurt me in the past, and now, I understand better how they felt. I never knew before; this is the first time I've really been the dumper, not the dumpee. And now I know how it feels. No more getting up on my soap box, no more angry diatribes. Now I see how it is. I purposefully did not say the words to him "I didn't mean to hurt you" because I know that means nothing. Of course I didn't mean to hurt him, but nobody ever MEANS to hurt anybody. Well, not most people anyway.

So I feel kind of crappy, and I feel kind of stupid. And I feel like I keep making bad choices in my life and I just wish someone else would do the deciding for me. I wish I could turn over my rights to my decision making and leave it up to some other person, because I certainly don't seem to be doing a good job myself...

You guys are probably all saying to yourselves, oh Chloe, it's not so bad. It was the right thing to do, breaking up with el Cesar. You had to do it. Don't beat yourself up about it.

But..there's another thing I'm not telling you..

Would it change anybody's opinion if I told you I made out with my friend Andrew like two days afterwards?

Ahem.

Yes.

BUT -- let me explain. This is not the reason I broke up with el Cesar, though it might have pushed along the process a bit. But that's probably a good thing, getting it over with. And besides when I left Peru I thought to myself, I'm going to see where this goes, if I meet someone this summer I'll just take that as a sign that it's not meant to be..and well, I sort of DID meet someone.

So let me tell you about this boy. First of all he is, of course, younger than me. Twenty-four. He is also, of course, very cute. He is also, of course, really nice and kind of innocent and dorky in my kind of way. In other words, totally my type. We've been fast friends since we got here. We both work at the front desk and in fact have exactly the same job. Which actually kind of sucks because although we get to work together, we will never, all summer long, have the same day off.

He's been my best friend here since the beginning, and I've been his best friend. The most fun things outside of work I've done with him. At first I really wasn't attracted to him as more than a friend, or at least I was telling myself I wasn't, but that all started to change a few weeks ago. I'm not sure why, it just did. Then he sort of started this ball rolling, and well, here we are.

But it's still kind of weird because we're still like, friends. I think this would be considered your classic friends with benefits situation. I like him, he's my best friend here..I'm attracted to him, we make out but..I don't know. I don't know if he would be my BOYfriend you know? And I'm not sure why.

But who knows anyway. Like I said before, I keep making poor decisions. We haven't done it yet, but we probably will. And that could always get very very messy, since we have to work together a lot. Right now it's kind of fun to work with him because we have to pretend that nothing is going on. But we both know it IS going on..it leads to some interesting situations.

Sooooooooooooooo..I kind of don't know what to do. But if the boy ends up fucking me over in the end, I totally deserve it. But I'm not that emotionally involved with it, so that probably won't happen. I'm like a whole new Chloe. I don't think I get as attached to people as easily as I used to. I'm not sure that's a good thing or a bad thing, but that's how it is.

Anyway, I love you all. Don't judge me. And I still love el Cesar, it just wasn't meant to be...as sad as that is to admit.

Expect the Unexpected

So I have made it once again safely and soundly to my new destination: Signal Mountain Lodge in the Grand Teton National Park. That's in Wyoming, near Yellowstone.

So I got back to the US a month ago now. The time spent at home was not nearly as bad as it could have been. I did manage to see a few dear friends, watch some King of the Hill, and convert two of my pairs of pants into skirts. I managed to stay relatively busy. But I am glad to be gone.

The drive over went pretty smoothly. I spent the first night visiting my darling friend Mel in Pullman, then the next day I drove the remaining twelve hours over to Grand Teton Park. The twelve hour drive wouldn't have been so bad, except that I needed to arrive by 3 pm at work, so I had to leave Pullman at 2 in the morning. Yikes.

But powered by a 16 oz Rockstar (sugarfree), two books on tape, and some bumping tunes, Chloe and the Chloemobile manged to go the distance.

Everything went fine, even though the Chloemobile is minus one functioning spark plug, which basically means she has no power at all, so going up over those mountains was even harder than usual. I hit snow three times going through Idaho. This is probably the thing that made me the most nervous during the drive -- going up over a mountain pass in a crappy car, snow falling, only car on the road at four in the morning. But when my heart started to palpitate I simply put on my Girl Power CD, and everything was okay. I have also gained a new appreciation for Kelly Clarkson; she really helped me through some hard times.

The drive over was beautiful. I was cutting through on a bunch of smaller highways, not the big ol' interstate 90. I saw a bunch of deer, mostly at dawn, many of which I nearly hit with my car. I saw a group of about seven big horned sheep crossing the road, too. Here in the park I've already seen a ton of elk and a few moose, not to mention the whistle pigs. There are also plenty of bear, but I haven't seen any yet. The park is absolutely fundamentally gorgeous. It reminds me of Alaska. I haven't had a chance to explore too much yet, go hiking, but today at work we're going on a mini-tour (I love getting paid for stuff like that), and tomorrow I'll probably head for the hillls at least a little bit. It's still freaking cold here though. Yesterday it SNOWED. Wtf?

There definitely seems to be a lot less bullshit at this job than at my job in Yosemite. They actually treat their employees decently, and my roommate and I have a private bathroom. I am so stoked aobut that. Not to mention the food is actually tasty. So cafeteria food CAN be done well. I am in the "quiet dorm" which means I'm mostly with old people, but that's really okay by me. I have gotten really mellow in my old age. I just don't want to have to deal with people partying all the time. Besides the other dorms are right next door.

So I've only been here a few days, so I haven't really gotten to know anybody too well yet. There are, of course, a good percentage of people that seem to want to spend their entire summer in a drunken stupor, but that's to be expected. I'm sure there are plenty of cool ones too. The staff is like twice as big as at Yosemite, so there should be more variety.

So far I think most people probably think I'm really quiet and reserved. How wrong is THAT assumption hehe. But I haven't really hung out that much yet. I feel a little overwhelmed by all the new faces. And overwhelmed by how different my life is right now than a month ago. So far every night I've spent in my room knitting or reading, then going to be early. I am SO cool. But I don't know, I just haven't felt like hanging out that much. I don't feel like drinking anyway, which is probably what they're doing. Besides, it's freaking cold and I don't even want to leave the room. And also, I know with time, it's all going to happen. I'm going to get to know all of these people, probably more than I'd like to, so why rush it? I'm not that worried about it. I'm easing into it.

Fortunately, I haven't met any boys of interest yet, which makes my life easier. If I liked someone here it would just confuse me. I haven't fully advertised the fact that I have a boyfriend, though I have mentioned it to a few people. I'm a little afraid to make it well known right away because then I bet a lot of the boys wouldn't want to talk to me. That's shallow, but I think it's true. There are a lot of guys here who I bet have been in the mountains a long time and would love to court a fine filly like me. I would like to lead them on a little bit before I tell them I'm not available. Is that so wrong?

So in other words, if you couldn't have guessed, el Cesar and I are still going strong. Stronger than I thought. Stronger than before. During this month apart we have actually grown a lot closer. We talk all the time -- almost every day -- either through email, through chatting, or on the phone. It's good, it's really good. This time we are apart is not just a stagnant part in our relationship -- it is a time of growth.

Which of course, sucks. Because now I have to deal with the immigration process. Something in my live long days I NEVER wanted to deal with. And now I'm doing it -- VOLUNTARILY. Because I WANT to. Am I nuts?? It is SUCH a pain in the ass, you guys. And I've barely even started.

Is this boy worth it? That would be the obvious question, wouldn't it? I haven't even known him for that long. But you know how people always say they "just know"? I think I might just know about him. I'm trying to figure that out right now...I am not yet 100% sure, but I am getting there.

But men are bullshit, right? That has been my mantra for the last few years. Oh let's face it, since puberty. But I keep looking for the bullshit, you guys. And I don't see it. There is no bullshit here. He just loves me. He loves me in the way that Harry loves Charlotte, or Steve loves Miranda -- not the way Big loves Carrie. He just loves me, and that's that. And how do I know? Because he tells me all the time, because he's the sweetest thing ever, and because he always answers my emails, looks for me online, and wants to arrange a time for me to call him. Hence why we're keeping in touch so well. Our relationship has changed so much, I can't even believe it. I never expected this to happen. But I'm glad it has.