Hiiiii.

It has been a very long time since I've written. During this time, I have done many things. Some of them fun, some of them not so fun...let me sum up.

First of all, this place is beautiful. And I'm so close to everything, it's really easy to go hiking, camping, whatever I want to do, without having to plan ahead too much. I've explored the park a fair amount, but of course there are many more rocks yet to uncover. I have a bit of a conundrum to deal with though because I often like to go hiking by myself, but last time I did that I was heading up Signal Mountain getting some exercise after work, all alone, and I could have SWORN I heard a grizzly bear roaring at me. I freaked the fuck out of myself and went running down the trail in the opposite direction. What I envisioned as a casual 4-5 mile hike after work turned out to be like 8 miles because I went all the way up and around to avoid the rabid grizzly bear out for human flesh. Ever since then, I've been nervous to go by myself, andI haven't quite thought of a solution yet to this problem...

Course I could get bear spray but A) it costs like 50 bucks and B) I would probably end up accidentally spraying myself in the face with it, instead of the bear.

I have done many fun things since being here. I've gone hiking, boating on the lake, white whater rafting, etc. I've gone camping a few times -- I finally got my own tent, woo! For me buying my own tent would be like for a normal person buying their own house. It's a pretty big deal. It's nice and summery here now, and I've been able to work on my tan, though it's nothing to the level it once was in South America. But I have time...

Although there are plenty of people here who spend most of their free time getting as drunk as possible, I have avoided falling into this trap. It's just not my thing. It's boring to me, to do it all the time. Though I have gotten drunk a few times, of course, I have yet to embarrass myself too badly, which is a good thing. I wish I could smoke pot, but alas, they do random drug tests here. Damn the man!

The job itself is fine. I mostly like the people I work with, though there is of course some stupid bullshit, as there is in any job. I am also beginning to realize that I am way to smart for this line of work. I want to get out. I feel like I'm wasting my talents because, well, I AM wasting my talents..but after the summer, that will all change.

I think part of the reason I haven't written in a while is because, well, I am a little bit ashamed of myself. I did a bad thing. A bad, but necessary thing. Well, a confusing thing, well..let me just explain.

I broke up with el Cesar. :-( I had to do it...I only did it about a week ago, but it had been brewing for a while. I have mixed feelings..I know it was the right thing to do. I can tell because after doing it, I am way more relaxed, happier, not so worried and stressed all the time..and I can tell because although I miss him, I'm not like, destroyed about it, and if I was really meant to be with this guy, I should be pretty upset. And I'm not.
But I feel bad...Cesar is a really good person, and he loves me a LOT. More than any other guy in my LIFE. No bullshit, no bullshit at ALL with him, at least in the relationship part. But I just couldn't handle the stress of the long distance thing anymore, and the visa thing, and the no money thing, and the doing all the work myself thing..augh. I just couldn't do it anymore, so I stopped. But I hurt him a lot, and I feel like crap about that. And I'm a little ashamed at myself. Why didn't I just break it off before? It would have been so much easier. But I really wanted it to work, and I honestly thought it would work..I wasn't leading him on or lying to him or fooling him, I wanted to do this. I still almost think I could do this but..I just know it's not the right thing.

Anyway though, I look back on when guys have hurt me in the past, and now, I understand better how they felt. I never knew before; this is the first time I've really been the dumper, not the dumpee. And now I know how it feels. No more getting up on my soap box, no more angry diatribes. Now I see how it is. I purposefully did not say the words to him "I didn't mean to hurt you" because I know that means nothing. Of course I didn't mean to hurt him, but nobody ever MEANS to hurt anybody. Well, not most people anyway.

So I feel kind of crappy, and I feel kind of stupid. And I feel like I keep making bad choices in my life and I just wish someone else would do the deciding for me. I wish I could turn over my rights to my decision making and leave it up to some other person, because I certainly don't seem to be doing a good job myself...

You guys are probably all saying to yourselves, oh Chloe, it's not so bad. It was the right thing to do, breaking up with el Cesar. You had to do it. Don't beat yourself up about it.

But..there's another thing I'm not telling you..

Would it change anybody's opinion if I told you I made out with my friend Andrew like two days afterwards?

Ahem.

Yes.

BUT -- let me explain. This is not the reason I broke up with el Cesar, though it might have pushed along the process a bit. But that's probably a good thing, getting it over with. And besides when I left Peru I thought to myself, I'm going to see where this goes, if I meet someone this summer I'll just take that as a sign that it's not meant to be..and well, I sort of DID meet someone.

So let me tell you about this boy. First of all he is, of course, younger than me. Twenty-four. He is also, of course, very cute. He is also, of course, really nice and kind of innocent and dorky in my kind of way. In other words, totally my type. We've been fast friends since we got here. We both work at the front desk and in fact have exactly the same job. Which actually kind of sucks because although we get to work together, we will never, all summer long, have the same day off.

He's been my best friend here since the beginning, and I've been his best friend. The most fun things outside of work I've done with him. At first I really wasn't attracted to him as more than a friend, or at least I was telling myself I wasn't, but that all started to change a few weeks ago. I'm not sure why, it just did. Then he sort of started this ball rolling, and well, here we are.

But it's still kind of weird because we're still like, friends. I think this would be considered your classic friends with benefits situation. I like him, he's my best friend here..I'm attracted to him, we make out but..I don't know. I don't know if he would be my BOYfriend you know? And I'm not sure why.

But who knows anyway. Like I said before, I keep making poor decisions. We haven't done it yet, but we probably will. And that could always get very very messy, since we have to work together a lot. Right now it's kind of fun to work with him because we have to pretend that nothing is going on. But we both know it IS going on..it leads to some interesting situations.

Sooooooooooooooo..I kind of don't know what to do. But if the boy ends up fucking me over in the end, I totally deserve it. But I'm not that emotionally involved with it, so that probably won't happen. I'm like a whole new Chloe. I don't think I get as attached to people as easily as I used to. I'm not sure that's a good thing or a bad thing, but that's how it is.

Anyway, I love you all. Don't judge me. And I still love el Cesar, it just wasn't meant to be...as sad as that is to admit.